Something new for Lent

I've been miserable inside for a long time.  I mean, the misery seems to come and go, but the reality is that I've had this underlying sense of desperation in my inner life that has nagged me for  years.  The source of that misery is this thought:

You are not a good person.

That thought leads to many other simliar thoughts:

You aren't a good example to your kids.
You don't give enough.
You are cranky and unkind. 
You are undisciplined.
You don't read your Bible and pray enough. 

Therefore:

Your life doesn't matter.
You will never do anything worthy for God.
You'll never be the kind of mother or wife you want to be.  

So:

Why bother?  
Why try?
Who will even notice if you just disappear?

Believe me, these are the kind of thoughts that make for a desperate, worn out, unhappy person.  Now, before you get worried, I'm not depressed.  I've been there before and that is not where I am right now. In fact, I didn't even know that I was feeling this way until recently.  These feelings slowly kept coming to the surface and I wondered why.

Finally, I took a long hard look at myself.  And I thought:

I AM selfish, often self-indulgent, unkind.  I'm trapped in my own sin.  What on earth am I supposed to DO about this?  I just want to transform myself into someone better!

And then the thought came to me:

But only God has the power to transform!

I sat there in stunned silence.  It had crept in.  Somehow, even though I knew the truth, I had still believed the lie.

You don't need God's help.  You can be a good person if you just discipline yourself, if you try harder, love better, do it a little bit at a time- afterall, you can't change yourself overnight.  You don't need God.
 
Funny how you can know something, and yet not know it, ya know?

I had a long conversation with God that day.  In that conversation I realized I need to give up.  The truth is, if I HAD the power to transform myself, I would still be less than perfect. Why? Because I am, at my core, an imperfect, hopelessly flawed human being; and my mind simply cannot even conceive perfection.

I would say that is a pretty good reason to let a perfect God handle the transformation of my heart rather than me.

So, for the season of Lent, I've decided to meditate on the Good News of Jesus in my life everyday.  Instead of focusing on my own will power to change or forcing myself to suffer for my own shame's sake, I will rest in the power of the Cross.

I pray you have blessed Lenten season, and may the Good News of Jesus lighten your load!

Eva