Life is messy. Really messy. Well, maybe your life isn't messy, but mine sure is! And I'm not talking like a little bit messy, I mean über gross, sometimes filthy, disgusting messy. And it's not just the physical things in my life like dishes and old food in the sink, or the masses of clean and dirty laundry piled all over my room, or the toys strewn over every inch of the house. No, it's also my health, and my spirit that are often perfect mirrors of my physical environment. And I've asked myself, "How did this get so out of control? Why did I let this happen?"
Now before now, this reality triggered an unending cycle of frustration in my heart.
This is AWFUL!
You really need to fix this.
I must try HARDER! I'll give my house a makeover! I'll give my health a makeover! I'll become the most faithful, Bible-reading, devotion-having, successful Christian wife and mother EVER.
Commence obsessive cleaning, dieting, praying, etc...
It usually takes me about three days before I'm back to business as usual. The funny thing is, I've always known I was on the hamster wheel of personal transformation. I just simply thought, "This time it will be different. This time I'll do better. This time I'll stick with it. I'll have more discipline. Everything will change, this time..." Such good intentions.
But now, I finally must recognize my good intentions for what they are- SIN. And why, Friends, are my well-intentioned motives so sinful?
Ah! Listen to what my heart is actually saying...
I can do this! I can make my life better! I can change myself. I don't need God's transformative power in my life, all I need is an uncompromising work ethic!
Well, if all this world needs is for people to try harder, then who needs salvation?!
So what's my point?
Without God's transformative power, I will NEVER get off the incessantly squeaky, stay-in-one place, never-get-anywhere hamster wheel of personal mediocrity.
There. I said it.
I need God. Only He has the power to transform a heart, a circumstance, a life.
So now I must surrender all. Even all the little stuff I think I can handle. Especially the little stuff. Because it's the little stuff that keeps me independent, when God wants me dependent on Him.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Shame is not my name.
Shame is not my name... anymore.
But it was, for a long time.
It wasn't until just a little over a week ago that I still carried that name. I was having a very candid conversation with God, and I suddenly realized that shame has been my motivation for literally EVERY action in my life!
Clean my house- SHAME
Lose weight- SHAME
Love my kids- SHAME
Serve my husband- SHAME
Give to the church- SHAME
Read my Bible- SHAME
Trust me when I say, this list will never end.
The thing is, shame is the result of guilt. And there will never be a shortage of guilt in my life- because I am GUILTY!!! I am guilty of sin- so much sin. Shame is the despair I feel over the guilt of my sin.
But, fortunately for me, there is Good News! The Holy Spirit had to give me a little reminder.
But it was, for a long time.
It wasn't until just a little over a week ago that I still carried that name. I was having a very candid conversation with God, and I suddenly realized that shame has been my motivation for literally EVERY action in my life!
Clean my house- SHAME
Lose weight- SHAME
Love my kids- SHAME
Serve my husband- SHAME
Give to the church- SHAME
Read my Bible- SHAME
Trust me when I say, this list will never end.
The thing is, shame is the result of guilt. And there will never be a shortage of guilt in my life- because I am GUILTY!!! I am guilty of sin- so much sin. Shame is the despair I feel over the guilt of my sin.
But, fortunately for me, there is Good News! The Holy Spirit had to give me a little reminder.
That's why Jesus died. He took your repulsive sin and gave His life in payment of restitution. Your sin has been paid for. Your past sins and your current sins and the ones you haven't even committed yet! They are paid for! You CANNOT ever make up for your sins with good works. That's why shame as a motivator gets you NOWHERE. You won't get better, you won't feel better, you won't be changed by your own discipline. You will always only feel shame. Only I can take your shame away.
So, guess what? I gave HIM my shame. And now, I am not ashamed. Am I still guilty of sin? Absolutely! But my despair no longer defines me! My identity isn't wrapped up in my performance anymore- it's wrapped up in Christ's work. I once heard a preacher say, "If you rely on your own works for righteousness, you will never be at rest- because your work will NEVER BE DONE. But if you rely on Christ's work, you will be at rest. Because Christ's work is done! It is finished! It is perfect!"
I am finally at perfect rest inside. Finally.
Shame is not my name anymore.
Friday, February 15, 2013
A Word of Encouragement
A few Sundays ago, our pastor at Bridges Community Church preached a sermon on encouraging one another. (If you would like to take a listen, you can do that here.) As believers, we are called to edify the Body of Christ by encouraging one another; this is good and vital to our healthy function. This sermon impacted me so much that I decided to do put this practice of affirming others into action. Often in the past, I've justified myriad reasons why "so and so" doesn't need me to say "such and such." You're familiar with the excuses, right?
But do you know what I have found most surprising?
In every instance I have reached out to someone, I too have been encouraged!
Isn't God GRAND?????!!!!!!
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together,as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~Hebrews 10:24-25
- She'll probably think I'm weird!
- It might be awkward!
- I haven't talked to them in years!
- I'm sure he gets praise from plenty of other people, he's so popular...
But do you know what I have found most surprising?
In every instance I have reached out to someone, I too have been encouraged!
Isn't God GRAND?????!!!!!!
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together,as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~Hebrews 10:24-25
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day
Today I'm reminded that my life has had many surprising twists and turns.
As I set the table for my Valentine's Day dinner tonight, I set out two of the placemats that Harry and I bought on our honeymoon. They are laminated cityscapes of Montreal, Quebec. Beautiful photographs, really. A smile came to my face as I was reminded that 22 year old Eva and Harry had no idea that someday three children would eat on those very placemats.
I'm thankful I didn't know. I think we put way too much stock in the value of knowing what's ahead. I'm sure I would have been terrified to know of the hardships ahead, but every day of my life God has shaped and stretched me into a much wiser, kinder human being.
Today was the twelfth Valentine's Day Harry and I have spent together. I'm sure the next twelve years will hold just as many surprises as the last.
It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect~ Psalm 18:32 (NKJV)
As I set the table for my Valentine's Day dinner tonight, I set out two of the placemats that Harry and I bought on our honeymoon. They are laminated cityscapes of Montreal, Quebec. Beautiful photographs, really. A smile came to my face as I was reminded that 22 year old Eva and Harry had no idea that someday three children would eat on those very placemats.
I'm thankful I didn't know. I think we put way too much stock in the value of knowing what's ahead. I'm sure I would have been terrified to know of the hardships ahead, but every day of my life God has shaped and stretched me into a much wiser, kinder human being.
Today was the twelfth Valentine's Day Harry and I have spent together. I'm sure the next twelve years will hold just as many surprises as the last.
It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect~ Psalm 18:32 (NKJV)
Something new for Lent
I've been miserable inside for a long time. I mean, the misery seems to come and go, but the reality is that I've had this underlying sense of desperation in my inner life that has nagged me for years. The source of that misery is this thought:
You are not a good person.
That thought leads to many other simliar thoughts:
You aren't a good example to your kids.
You don't give enough.
You are cranky and unkind.
You are undisciplined.
You don't read your Bible and pray enough.
Therefore:
Your life doesn't matter.
You will never do anything worthy for God.
You'll never be the kind of mother or wife you want to be.
So:
Why bother?
Why try?
Who will even notice if you just disappear?
Believe me, these are the kind of thoughts that make for a desperate, worn out, unhappy person. Now, before you get worried, I'm not depressed. I've been there before and that is not where I am right now. In fact, I didn't even know that I was feeling this way until recently. These feelings slowly kept coming to the surface and I wondered why.
Finally, I took a long hard look at myself. And I thought:
I AM selfish, often self-indulgent, unkind. I'm trapped in my own sin. What on earth am I supposed to DO about this? I just want to transform myself into someone better!
And then the thought came to me:
But only God has the power to transform!
I sat there in stunned silence. It had crept in. Somehow, even though I knew the truth, I had still believed the lie.
You don't need God's help. You can be a good person if you just discipline yourself, if you try harder, love better, do it a little bit at a time- afterall, you can't change yourself overnight. You don't need God.
Funny how you can know something, and yet not know it, ya know?
I had a long conversation with God that day. In that conversation I realized I need to give up. The truth is, if I HAD the power to transform myself, I would still be less than perfect. Why? Because I am, at my core, an imperfect, hopelessly flawed human being; and my mind simply cannot even conceive perfection.
I would say that is a pretty good reason to let a perfect God handle the transformation of my heart rather than me.
So, for the season of Lent, I've decided to meditate on the Good News of Jesus in my life everyday. Instead of focusing on my own will power to change or forcing myself to suffer for my own shame's sake, I will rest in the power of the Cross.
I pray you have blessed Lenten season, and may the Good News of Jesus lighten your load!
Eva
You are not a good person.
That thought leads to many other simliar thoughts:
You aren't a good example to your kids.
You don't give enough.
You are cranky and unkind.
You are undisciplined.
You don't read your Bible and pray enough.
Therefore:
Your life doesn't matter.
You will never do anything worthy for God.
You'll never be the kind of mother or wife you want to be.
So:
Why bother?
Why try?
Who will even notice if you just disappear?
Believe me, these are the kind of thoughts that make for a desperate, worn out, unhappy person. Now, before you get worried, I'm not depressed. I've been there before and that is not where I am right now. In fact, I didn't even know that I was feeling this way until recently. These feelings slowly kept coming to the surface and I wondered why.
Finally, I took a long hard look at myself. And I thought:
I AM selfish, often self-indulgent, unkind. I'm trapped in my own sin. What on earth am I supposed to DO about this? I just want to transform myself into someone better!
And then the thought came to me:
But only God has the power to transform!
I sat there in stunned silence. It had crept in. Somehow, even though I knew the truth, I had still believed the lie.
You don't need God's help. You can be a good person if you just discipline yourself, if you try harder, love better, do it a little bit at a time- afterall, you can't change yourself overnight. You don't need God.
Funny how you can know something, and yet not know it, ya know?
I had a long conversation with God that day. In that conversation I realized I need to give up. The truth is, if I HAD the power to transform myself, I would still be less than perfect. Why? Because I am, at my core, an imperfect, hopelessly flawed human being; and my mind simply cannot even conceive perfection.
I would say that is a pretty good reason to let a perfect God handle the transformation of my heart rather than me.
So, for the season of Lent, I've decided to meditate on the Good News of Jesus in my life everyday. Instead of focusing on my own will power to change or forcing myself to suffer for my own shame's sake, I will rest in the power of the Cross.
I pray you have blessed Lenten season, and may the Good News of Jesus lighten your load!
Eva
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Birthday Girl!
Halloween is a always a fun day for us, particularly because it is our oldest child's birthday. We had to reinvent our traditions a little because we moved to a new state and all... Fortunately for us we are always involved with a church who does a big Halloween outreach event, so we have built in entertainment. : )
And this year was no different! So the staff at Bridges decided that all the pastors should be superheroes this year. Harry was chosen to be the Incredible Hulk, which basically meant that I had to magically transform him into a green monster on a very slim budget. And I am happy to report, I DID IT!!!! And here are the results of my efforts:
The Incredible Hulk-
1 long sleeve green t-shirt turned inside out to hide the graphics- $9.88 at Walmart
1 tube of green body paint- $2.49 at the Spirit of Halloween
1 halloween make up palette- $2.97 at Walmart
1 old t-shirt- FREE
Grand total- $15.34
And this year was no different! So the staff at Bridges decided that all the pastors should be superheroes this year. Harry was chosen to be the Incredible Hulk, which basically meant that I had to magically transform him into a green monster on a very slim budget. And I am happy to report, I DID IT!!!! And here are the results of my efforts:
The Incredible Hulk-
1 long sleeve green t-shirt turned inside out to hide the graphics- $9.88 at Walmart
1 tube of green body paint- $2.49 at the Spirit of Halloween
1 halloween make up palette- $2.97 at Walmart
1 old t-shirt- FREE
Grand total- $15.34
Incredible Hulk!
Beautiful Mermaid-
1 costume gift from a friend- Free
Mama's make-up donations- Free
Butterfly Fairy-
1 shirt from the closet- Free
1 skirt- $4 at St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store
Mama's make-up donations- Free
Butterfly Fairy and Beautiful Mermaid
Sweet Little Pumpkin-
Pumpkin Costume- $2 purchased 2 years ago at a consignment sale
Sweet Little Pumpkin
Alas, there was little time left for me! So I went as a Mexican girl. Pretty much like going as myself! I bought this dress for my tenth birthday in Venezuela. And it still fits!
Mexican Girl
Not bad for $21.34!
Happy Halloween!!!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Harry's epic day of adventure
So, a few days ago, Harry told us all that he had an epic surprise planned for us this Saturday. He dutifully kept it a secret until today at 11:40 (after he got back from Impact Day at church). Then he told us we'd be going for a drive. We packed some sandwiches and water bottles for lunch in the car and away we went.
First stop Marianne's Ice Cream Shop in Santa Cruz. Marianne's is a cash-only, 55 year old, hole-in-the-wall ice cream place that just so happens to be FANTASTIC. Harry had a double scoop of butter pecan, I had a single of blueberry cheesecake, the girls had bubblegum ice cream on cake cones, and Q had good old-fashioned vanilla bean. : )
After ice cream, we hopped on over to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. Now that was an experience! I have never seen a carnival at the beach- because that is what it looked like to me! The Boardwalk comes complete with roller coaster, funnel cakes, sno-cones, roll-a-rama, annual chili cook-off, lots and lots of sandy beach, and ocean for miles. We walked around for an hour or so and took some photos.
THEN, we took a drive up the gorgeous, gorgeous coast. And who knew that on the coast overlooking the Pacific Ocean is miles and miles of farmland? So we stopped at a farm and bought some seriously good strawberries-- which we ate immediately. : ) Actually, Q ate most of them...
From the coast, we cut over on hwy 84 through a winding, twisting wooded area full of redwoods. These things are huge! It was pretty neat to see so many redwoods. Now, these are not the famous redwoods found north of here, but they are still really tall!
And since we live across the San Francisco Bay just off of hwy 84, we took the Dumbarton Bridge over the Bay and back home.
It really was pretty epic. : )
Santa Cruz Boardwalk Marianne's Ice Cream (and one happy boy)
First stop Marianne's Ice Cream Shop in Santa Cruz. Marianne's is a cash-only, 55 year old, hole-in-the-wall ice cream place that just so happens to be FANTASTIC. Harry had a double scoop of butter pecan, I had a single of blueberry cheesecake, the girls had bubblegum ice cream on cake cones, and Q had good old-fashioned vanilla bean. : )
After ice cream, we hopped on over to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. Now that was an experience! I have never seen a carnival at the beach- because that is what it looked like to me! The Boardwalk comes complete with roller coaster, funnel cakes, sno-cones, roll-a-rama, annual chili cook-off, lots and lots of sandy beach, and ocean for miles. We walked around for an hour or so and took some photos.
THEN, we took a drive up the gorgeous, gorgeous coast. And who knew that on the coast overlooking the Pacific Ocean is miles and miles of farmland? So we stopped at a farm and bought some seriously good strawberries-- which we ate immediately. : ) Actually, Q ate most of them...
From the coast, we cut over on hwy 84 through a winding, twisting wooded area full of redwoods. These things are huge! It was pretty neat to see so many redwoods. Now, these are not the famous redwoods found north of here, but they are still really tall!
And since we live across the San Francisco Bay just off of hwy 84, we took the Dumbarton Bridge over the Bay and back home.
It really was pretty epic. : )
Santa Cruz Boardwalk Marianne's Ice Cream (and one happy boy)
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